You look good with a big nose, actually.
You could become a great classical actor
and be taken seriously.
I got a little crevice, can you see that there?
See?
- Yes. - That's fizzy drinks.
- Yeah. - And I don't think the color is great.
What do you think? Have a look at the color.
I saw the color last time I looked.
It registered.
It's what I'd call "not white."
- Well-- - What color would you call it?
I would-- I'd concur with "not white."
I'd go further.
I mean, it's not yellow.
I, you know--
it's a sliding scale, isn't it, you know.
- Yeah. - I think you're...
- you're a-- - Hint of yellow.
- Closest to-- - Barley meadow.
- If you wanna give it-- - Tuscan sunset?
If you want--
You're getting laughs
but it's not making your teeth look any better.
No, you know, so...
Pub ceiling?
The elephant man.
Mmm.
I think if your teeth are too good,
you get bogged down in the leading-man thing,
and I don't want that to happen.
I think you can sleep easy at night...
about the prospect of being cast as a leading man.
Now I haven't got any teeth at all there on the bottom.
Thanks for that.
That was pleasant.
Have another look. Do they still look that color?
- It's okay-- - Let yourself adjust--
It's seared on my retina.
I think once people get used to them,
you actually-- actually, it's a nice color.
I think you could decorate a child's nursery in this color.
Quite soothing.
But you could have saved them a few bob If you'd been cast as Dr. Slop.
Yeah, but that's very much a supporting role.
- This is-- - Yeah, and? The point being?
This is a co-lead.
Well, we'll see after the edit, shall we?
Do you not think so?
Featured co-lead?
It's not a cameo.
It's not a cameo, no.
It's a supporting role.
It's not a supporting role. I mean, all the way through.
Yeah.
It's a co. It's a co, it's an "and Rob Brydon."
- It's us. - It's not an under.
It's Steve Coogan, Rob Brydon.
In fact, if we went alphabetically,
which I think is the only fair way,
it would be Rob Brydon, Steve Coogan.
Yeah, but that would just be ridiculous.
Ahem...
Groucho Marx once said
that the trouble with writing a book about yourself
is you can't fool around.
Why not? People fool around with themselves all the time.
I'm Tristram Shandy,
the main character in this story,
the leading role.
Susannah! Susannah!
There are those who say
this is a cock and bull story.
That's the bull,
my father's bull,
and I'll show you the cock in a minute.
Susannah!
- Is it started? - Yes.
- Yes, l-- I think it is. - Oh ma'am!
- Shall I fetch the midwife? - Yes.
These two gentlemen are my Uncle Toby and Corporal Trim.
They're recreating the Battle of Namur
where they both fought.
Get them forward!
Colonel lngoldsby's orders, sir. The flag is to advance
to the ditch behind the 50-pounder.
What?! The ditch?
There's no such thing as a ditch out there.
The ditch behind the 50-pounder, sir!
That is a ravelin. A ravelin.
A farmer digs a ditch!
- And so-- - Sir, get down!
when I said this was a cock and bull story,
it was my cock I was talking about,
not Uncle Toby's.
After all, am I not the hero of my own life?
- Where's my chamber-pot? - Master Tristram, where is it?
What have you done with it? Is it hidden under the bed?
- Where is it? - You'll have to let out of the window--
I need to pee!
Lift your nightshirt up.
Poke your little pecker out the window.
Do you think the time might come when you don't make much of a fuss
about passing your water? That's it.
That is a child actor pretending to be me.
I'll be able to play myself later.
I think I could probably get away with being...
18, 19?
Until then, I'll be played by a series of child actors.
This was the best of a bad bunch.
He's unable to convey the pain or shock
of such an event.
I think I can.
Susannah said I was doing it exactly how you did it.
It may be the same noise,
but it doesn't have the emotion.
Go on, then. Show me how to do it.
I was doing it with a comedy,
not a pantomime.
Master Tristram!
Come here, let me fix it all better.
Just about murdered you.
Oh my darling.
My dear darling.
Yes, there...
there, what happened?
This is my beautiful, lovely mother
Elizabeth.
How did this happen?
It was my fault. I removed the weights
- from the sash window-- - What?
At Mr. Toby's request to make mortars for the Siege of Namur.
I wish now with all my heart I had cut off something else.
My poor little Tristram.
So both my uncle and myself were victims
of the Battle of Namur
even though it took place years before my birth.
I was not unmanned, by the way.
I was circumcised like a lot of men--
manly men.
I can't speak for my uncle in that area,
although even as a boy I was curious.
Sir, where were you injured during battle?
- This stretch of wall... - This one looks quite like me.
The front of the curtain is the breast.
- None of the men-- - There's a ravelin below this fosse.
- I shall dig it now, sir. - There was indeed, Corporal, yes.
I tumbled into it just-- in the course of the afternoon.
Where exactly were you injured?
I will show you the exact spot.
Soldier, quick march.
I received my injury at nine of the clock
- just here. - In the--
in the ditch.
I'm getting ahead of myself.
I am not yet born.
Mrs. Shandy's took bad, sir,
with the pangs, sir.
They're coming thick and fast. On my way to fetch midwife.
- She's doing badly? - Yes, sir.
With the pangs.
When I was born, my father was four years older than I am now.
So, given the family resemblance,
I thought I should portray him
as well as myself.
Walter! Brother Walter!
Brother, Elizabeth isn't well, Brother.
- She's suffering from pangs. - Pangs?
I believe she was referring to the birth pangs, sir.
She's gone to fetch the midwife
- and fast-- - The midwife?
No no no no.
Obadiah! Obadiah!
I want you to ride like the devil to Dr. Slop's
and tell him my wife has fallen into labor
and I desire him to come immediately.
I will not have the midwife deliver my son.
Come on! Come on! Get up!
You may find it surprising that the method of my birth
had yet to be decided.
The cause was not too little planning, but too much.
"l, Walter Shandy, undertake to arrange for any confinement
of Elizabeth Shandy in London,
and further undertake to pay all expenses
arising from that confinement."
Hmm.
What is the smaller writing here?
That's just small print. You always get that.
This is the beginning of all my woes.
I should have to stay in Yorkshire?
Yes, only if you once
already made the journey to London by mistake.
In the September before my birth
my mother, being pregnant-- or so she thought--
insisted my father take her to London.
- You all right, my love? - I'm fairly comfortable.
Not long now.
Just another two days.
Tell me, doctor, in your opinion, is it a boy or a girl?
I'm afraid, madam, it is neither.
It is a phantom only.
How can that be?
This happens more than you can know.
L10.
L10 to tell us
that it's wind that is inflating you.
Any other time of the year would have been fine, but...
all my plums will be spoiled.
It's not the expense that bothers me,
but the disappointment of losing a child.
Walter, I too have lost a child!
No matter, dear.
Don't fret. Please.
Unfortunately, due to the length and discomfort
of the journey, by the time they'd arrived back at Shandy Hall,
my father had decided to implement the small print--
"The next birth shall be at home."
It is infuriating
that Elizabeth has this humor to...
entrust the life of our child
to an ignorant old woman when the admirable Dr. Slop
with all his modern instruments
is so readily at hand.
Perhaps she does not care to let a man
that close to her, um...
Her what? Say it, man.
By heavens, what's that? Do you think she's to lay an egg?
You know nothing of women at all.
Nothing at all.
No matter. The point is Slop does.
He knows them inside out.
He has a fine brass instrum--
Obadiah, you were quick.
- Fortune favored us. - Dr. Slop.
I only came to borrow some pipe tobacco.
Dr. Slop!
Where the devil are you going at such a rate?!
To fetch you, sir.
I was telling my brother about your fine brass instrument,
the one with the hinge.
It was new invented. It's called...
- Forceps. - Aye, the forceps.
I like the look of those.
The forceps, they're in a bag hanging off my bed-head.
I could...
No no, it must be done properly.
Obadiah! Obadiah!
I'll give thee a crown if thou dost hasten.
Thank you, sir!
And l, another!
Susannah!
- Will you take a pipe, Doctor? - I will.
I'd say we had...
a good deal of piping at Flanders, Doctor.
Come on!
I meant a pipe to smoke?
Well, if it's smoke you're after,
then Flanders was the place...
at the Battle of Namur
- when the cannons were set off. - Loosed.
"Loosed" is the proper word, Trim, yes.
Dr. Slop, allow me to show you a map...
...of such detail
and artistry as to make a man's eyes water.
I'm here, I'm here.
Here, the City of-- come, Doctor, come--
the City of Namur as it appeared
to the besieging forces that morning in 1695.
The English and the Scots
under the command of General Ramsey
were positioned in the trenches to the right.
Now the dilemma for the good general was--
which way forward?
There were many directions to choose from.
It is my humble opinion that he chose the best direction.
No, Brother, what happened that day to you?
Is everything all right?
You know... down there.
Almost there, sir.
Where does it hurt? Where were you hit?
Sir.
This man's lost his mind.
I think the injury may be in a delicate place, sir,
which my master is too modest to mention.
Damn.
Can a man be too delicate too name his own privates
yet strong enough to fight a war?
I shall have you sent home, sir.
Unless this Obadiah makes haste,
the thing will befall us without forceps.
Here he is!
Well done, sir, well done.
Good man.
A knife, have you a knife?
I have a knife.
Use your teeth, Dr. Slop.
Your teeth... oh well.
Ow, my finger!
Now this, Dr. Slop, is a book
- in which there is a fine engraving-- - I don't want to see
your armies at Flanders or anywhere,
and if I get my hands on the blockhead
who tied these blasted knots,
I'll kick him all the way to bloody Flanders.
I have a book--
"Colorful Words for All Occasions."
- Let me-- - I've got you, ma'am.
Now, on cutting the thumb or finger with the pen-knife.
- There we go, the very word. - No, I don't want...
by the authority of God Almighty,
the Father, Son and Holy Ghost,
and of all Holy Canons,
and of the undefiled Virgin Mary,
- mother of Our Savior... - May he be damned.
I'll go fetch Dr. Slop.
No! No! No!
"Unless he repent him of tying such knots,
may he be cursed in his eye,
in his mouth, in his heart, in his stomach,
- may he be cursed--" - Doctor, midwife is here.
The midwife is here.
And she's bruised the upper part of her thigh, here.
I'll come and look at it.
You'd better look into my mistress.
You're not fixin' to use them on the little child?
Yes, this is the very latest.
With these...
I can extrude the baby's head
before the mother has a chance to mash its head to dough.
I can show you. Captain Shandy,
make a baby's head of your hands.
You're to imagine these sleeves
are Mrs. Shandy's...
funnel.
- Funnel? - Meat curtains.
Meat curtain? Brother?
My brother knows nothing of women.
I insert the forceps thus,
gently enclosing the baby's head, you see?
And then I gently... tug it!
Ooh! Agh!
Brother! By my honor,
Dr. Slop has taken the skin clean
off the back of my hand, man,
with your... forceps!
You've crushed my knuckles to a jelly in the bargain.
Lucky it's not the baby's head.
A baby's head is naturally as soft as a path of melon.
It's but a scratch.
- Trim, fetch a melon. Run! - Yes, sir.
Nothing like a baby's head.
- Nothing like one. - Entirely different.
- Melon. - Thank you, Trim.
Baby's head!
This is a much more accurate representation.
- Funnel. - Funnel?
All ready, and then we merely...
Had my father possessed a more scientific mind,
the tragedy of my nose
could have been avoided,
but he was of a more philosophical bent,
used to arguing from first principles.
So eventually when I was born,
I was delivered with the very forceps
that had crushed the path of the melon.
The baby's born. You have a son.
- Congratulations-- - I need something stiff...
but flexible for a splint.
- A quill, perhaps. - Ooh, that'll do.
What has happened to my son?
Doctor needs to make a bridge.
I'm not finished. Susannah!
- Doctor. - Susannah.
Hmm.
What has happened to my son?
There was a small mishap.
A mishap with the machinery.
- Machinery? - It is the forceps.
He has merely...
broken his nose.
It had ever been my father's wish
to have a son with a big nose.
All the great men of antiquity had big noses,
a nose like Caesar, Dante,
Pythagoras, Newton,
Alexander the Great.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I am not yet born.
I'll attend the lady.
No!
Gee!
Deirdre, confound you!
Don't you touch those!
Get off! Get-- back!
My son is not yet born
and already I am exhausted.
Should we go and see the fortifications?
Mrs. Shandy...
Get on the bed.
The bed, woman, the bed.
There is nothing more important...
than the choice of name
in deciding the future of a child.
Four fingers,
- She's four fingers dilated-- - Good.
The highest is Trismegistus as in Hermes Trismegistus,
the greatest philosopher, the greatest law-giver,
the greatest priest.
And he was an engineer.
Then you should call him that, then.
The child should be called Tristram.
- Tristram, no. - Tristram.
No, Tristram's the worst. Tristram is the dog's breath worst...
I know.
How did I come to be named Tristram given my father's views?
Well, even though my birth is fast approaching,
there's still time to catch
the tragedy of my naming.
Sir, it's the baby. It's the baby, sir.
He is as black as night. Black as my shoes, sir.
There, he's as black as my shoe.
We might lose the baby, sir.
The parson is here and his horse.
The baby must be baptized.
- Yes. Hand me my britches, please. - No.
There's no time to get dressed.
My mistress wanted to know if it should be named after Captain Toby
as he's the godfather.
If my father had been sure I was going to die,
he would have complimented Toby by naming me so,
thereby saving the name of Trismegistus
for one who might survive.
But he couldn't be sure.
The name, sir, the name, the name.
- Trismegistus. - Trismegistus.
You're a leaky vessel.
Can you carry it the length of the corridor without spilling?
Trismegistus, Trismegistus,
Tris-- Tristram Gistus,
Tristram Gistus...
Trisme--
- Tristram? - No, it's not that, no.
There is no Christian name beginning "tris" but Tristram.
No, it's not Tristram.
It has some "gistus" in it.
Tristram Gistus?
Tristram Gistus!
There is no "gistus" in it, dear.
It is my name and a very fine name it is, too.
I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.
Tristram Shandy.
All is well. Little Tristram is made right with God.
"...Brethren, this child is regenerate,
grafted into the body of Christ's Church.
Let us give thanks to Almighty God..."
Look, ma'am.
He is well.
He's not black anymore.
Ma'am, look.
It's a miracle.
You have not forgotten the name.
No, and the baby is well.
My beautiful beautiful Tristram Shandy.
Tristram?
My son has been cursed from the moment of his conception.
Now, I forgot to mention this.
Well, it's not that I forgot. It's more that I thought...
I should save it until we knew each other better.
My father had two domestic obligations
and being a systematic man, he liked to dispense them both at once.
The first was to wind the clock.
The second was more enjoyable.
Walter!
You may be familiar with Locke's Theory
of the Association of ldeas.
It's been updated since by Pavlov and his dog.
If the dog hears the metronome when he's being fed,
the dog starts to associate the metronome and food.
So in the end, if he hears the metronome
even when there's no food,
the dog starts to salivate.
A similar association of ideas took root in my mother's head
between one domestic obligation and the other.
As soon as she heard my father winding the clock,
she began to salivate, as it were.
Of course, it works the other way around too.
After a while,
if you give the dog the food without the metronome,
the dog produces no saliva.
So on the occasion my father came home
and was feeling so keen to dispense one obligation
he skipped the other, he surprised my mother...
Walter.
Elizabeth.
...who was therefore unable to produce any saliva.
My dear...
My dear, have you not forgot to wind-up the clock?
So it was the circumstances of my conception
were as confused as those of my birth.
Good night.
Yowling won't help.
- How is she? - It may be some hours yet.
- I can see the head, ma'am. - Let me see.
- Let me through. - I'll fetch the--
- No no no no. - I can't see with the sheet--
That's it, that's it.
Lay her down flat! Flat!
I can't work like this! Flat!
And... thank you.
Thank you very much. Okay, that's it.
- We'll pick up tomorrow morning-- - Are we good?
Okay, move the set piece, please.
Rushes screening at 8:00 for anyone involved in the battle scene.
I can't actually see the baby's head.
Okay? All right, then.
Mark, we're not doing the-- you don't want the birth today?
No, tomorrow morning.
- That's great. - This scene's supposed to be
about Walter's love for his son.
I don't feel very involved, I feel quite peripheral.
I don't think Mark's read the book since he was nine.
I'm not trying to be greedy--
Don't worry, you're in it, definitely.
I'm not saying that.
I've got to see Debbie about shoes.
All right, I'll get rid of these and I'll take you to costume.
- All right, okay, yeah. - Yeah?
- You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Should we take this nose off now
or should we do it in the makeup truck?
Yeah, 'cause I don't want-- my son won't recognize me.
- Hey! - Hello.
- How are you? - Fine, great, thank you.
Oh...
apple crumble and custard.
They made me eat it.
Steve?
I'll take you to costume when you're ready.
All right, Jennie, this is Jenny.
- Hello. - Hello.
This is Jennie also, not Jennie too, Jennie also.
Yeah, me and Jennie were...
flirting before, but now that you're here,
we're just gonna stop that for a while.
- Great, good. - Okay? Good.
She's so beautiful.
- What's she called? - Thank you.
He's a boy.
- Right, sorry. - He's called Steven.
- What, Steven like his dad? - Yeah.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Hello. - You all right?
- I'm good, how are you? - I saw you sitting there.
You want to be in the movie?
Don't, you're upsetting him.
Sorry, Steve, but Leo needs you for a couple of minutes
- to try out the womb. Is that okay? - Now?
Yeah, Jennie'll take you over.
- So, I've gotta go and do this, baby. - It's okay.
I'll see you later.
- Okay. - Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Your wife's very pretty.
Yeah yes, she's not my wife,
but a... girlfriend.
Yeah, she's just up for a couple of days.
Hi, Steve, thanks for doing this.
- Wow. - That's the womb.
When you're talking to the camera as Tristram.
Yeah, I know what it is. It's just a while since I've seen one.
Did Mark talk to you about being upside down?
- No, he didn't. - Ah.
That's what we need to try out.
Real wombs don't have a window like that, though, do they?
- Womb with a view. - Womb with a view.
So that's very good then.
Tell my mother I'm sorry for everything.
You'll be fine.
You can let the walls out now.
Hey hey-- that's wrong.
Okay, I'll try the other way.
Yeah.
Okay, lower him down.
That's it.
I just kept getting caught a bit.
That's it, open the walls out.
Right. That looks great.
- It looks good? - It looks great.
You've put on weight.
- Eh? - You've put on weight.
I've not put on weight.
If I'm a fetus going off to kick and stretch,
that's what fetus-- feti do.
Yeah, not when they're full term.
You see the baby just about to be born,
so he'd fill the whole space.
He'd be upside down and his head would be wedged
in the mother's pelvis.
How about filming the other way around--
the right way up, and then just flip the image?
Well, maybe, but I'd have to have
a word with Mark about that.
I mean, I think he wanted the realism.
- He wants realism? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm a grown man talking to the camera
in a fucking womb.
- Okay, all right, get me out. - Get him out.
Please, just get me out, he's-- he's a dick!
- That's fine, Steve. - All right, pull-- get me out.
- Get him out. - Please...
No, you jam me-- you're jamming me!
Whoa! Easy! Easy!
Easy, easy!
- You all right? - Yeah yeah.
That was great, Steve.
Really really good.
- Well, good. - That's gonna work perfectly.
I think the clothes make it tighter.
It'll be all right on the day.
- I'm not doing it naked. - Well, that's how babies are.
But babies don't have to be funny.
I think you'd look funny naked.
Every man thinks less of himself
for not having been a soldier...
- Dr. Johnson. - Yeah, well, you are one now.
He would definitely have worn a hat.
He would have worn a hat.
- Well, I've got a hat. - No question about it.
I hate the hat.
Yes well, you're not Uncle Toby, are you?
You're...
Rob Brydon.
Ah, that's it.
I was trying to tell my wife about you,
but I couldn't remember your name.
Hi, Steve.
Hi.
This is-- in the reshoots for the big scene.
I'm not in the battle scene.
No.
- What do you think? - Not bad.
- The hat's a worry. - It's historically accurate,
so we have to wear it. I don't like it either.
- Jennie? - Mm-hmm?
- Can I get a coffee, please, love? - Yeah, sure.
- Rob, do you want one? - Yes, please, can I have a macchiato?
- Okay, I'll try. - Thank you very much.
Actually, Jennie, can I have...
one of those as well?
Yeah, okay.
- Shoes. - Shoes.
You worry because yours are different from Toby's.
It's not that, it's--
Walter in all the scenes with Toby is supposed to dominate.
This would have been covered in powder.
Because of the heels, it comes across that I'm--
because I'm shorter, I'm overcompensating,
Iike I've got some Napoleon complex, you know.
So you don't like the shoes?
So we just have to vomit on them.
I should dominate totally in those scenes.
It should be like I'm Gandalf and he's Frodo.
"You shall not have the ring."
Very good, very good, Rob.
- I do Steve as well. - Can you?
Can we just sort the shoes out first?
"Can we just sort the shoes out first?"
I've got a big house in the Hollywood Hills.
Look at my pole!
See, that's Alan Partridge, I don't speak like that.
- I don't talk that way. Yes, I do. - Stop it!
So, Rob's too tall.
- Or you're too small. - No no no.
No, Rob's shoes are too high.
Rob's short. That's a good thing.
- Hmm. - That's why he was hired.
The problem's continuity because
we've already shot quite a bit with these shoes.
It should stand straight. These are just too floppy.
This is not an ego thing. It really is...
it's... the shoes are key to the character.
The character's soul...
It's coffee, but it's not macchiato.
Well, I don't understand
why I'm here then, in that case.
- Great, okay. - They want you to do it in costume.
- Is that all right? - This is wrong.
This is the wrong shoulder.
You would fire from that shoulder.
Let's just try and get the hats on them.
Aha!
I'm not a happy boy.
Right.
- Hey, Jennie, thanks. I'll take over. - Hey.
Thanks.
- Thanks, Johnny. - All right.
Tony thought it would look good if we had some crew in the background.
- Is that okay? - Yeah.
- How you doing, boy? - Good to see you.
Can we start with knowing me, Tony Wilson, knowing you Steve Coogan?
- Now, how is that? - Let's rise above that, shall we?
- Okay, you're right. - No, it's just--
it's something a TV series did a long time ago,
and I'm trying to like...
sort of...
- change the record. - All right.
Okay, sorry, my fault, my fault.
I did Rob yesterday
and he does a fantastic impersonation of you.
They said, "When you got to make it like Steve, make it like Steve Coogan."
Well, Steve, no matter what he's doing,
is basically...
Oh, you're so dirty.
I mean that's basically whether he's Walter,
whether he's Tristram, whether he's Steve,
or he's Alan Partridge,
it all boils down to that. Steve's hero is...
is Roger Moore.
And Roger Moore's style of acting
is not a million miles away from Steve's.
Yeah, I see--
impression I see as a sincere form of flattery.
He pretends he's taking the piss, but he...
he loves me, really.
He's very obsessed with me.
Steve Coogan, why "Tristram Shandy"?
This is the book that many people say is unfilmable.
I think that's the attraction.
"Tristram Shandy" was a...
post-modern classic
written before there was any modernism
to be post about.
So it was way ahead of its time
and, in fact, for those who haven't heard of it,
it was actually listed as number eight
in "The Observer"'s
top 100 books of all time.
That was a chronological list.
Right. Okay...
If you want to see the EPK interview,
it'll be part of the DVD package
along with extended versions of many of the scenes
which should act as footnotes to the main film.
It is Tristram's story.
It's called "The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy."
So I guess it would be Tristram's story,
whatever else you might hear.
Steven Coogan, Tristram Shandy,
thank you.
Thank you.
- Okay, thanks. - Great.
I was so pleased when I heard you were doing this.
It's my favorite novel.
- Really? - Yeah, I just love it. It's fantastic.
Who's playing Widow Wadman?
It's my favorite character, Widow Wadman, in the book.
- Right, she's not in the film. - No?
- It's a great love story.
I know, in the book it's a great love story.
But there's so much in the book,
so rich, they've gotta-- you know--
- It's sad, I understand. - Loads of stuff in it.
You've got time for a drink?
The missus is here,
- so... - Don't you worry.
Let's catch up in Manchester.
All right, mate, great seeing you.
Lovely to see you again.
- All right, boy. - Keep it up.
- God bless. - All right, good luck. Thank you. Ed!
Oh, Mark, I need to talk to you about something.
- Shoes, yeah? - Yeah yeah.
There's a bit of a problem.
- Talk to Debbie about them. - Okay.
We'll have a look at rushes as well,
go over the battle stuff.
- Okay, it's a status thing. - No, I understand.
- Well, 8:00, is that right? - Yeah.
Steve? Steve, can l grab a lift with you?
The minibus has gone and left me stranded.
- Yeah, sure. - Thank you very much.
- Just hop in the back. - All right.
- It's quite chilly, isn't it? - lsn't it?
- Yeah. - Brrr.
Sorry, Steve.
Blocking your way.
I would do a screen test for Alexander Payne, yeah--
Steve, so would l.
So would Rob Brydon.
Okay, I'll see you back at the hotel. Okay, bye.
- Sorry, that was my agent. - My agent as well.
She just wants to talk to me about some scripts...
- from America. Yeah. - Oh, right.
Fuck you, asshole!
Fuck you,
you son of a bitch-- asshole,
fuck you.
I'm taking you down.
I hate battle scenes.
I think they're boring.
I just don't understand why they're bothering to reshoot this one.
- It doesn't make any sense to me. - I couldn't agree more--
I mean, there is so much in that novel.
Why would you choose that?
- Do you know what I mean? - Exactly exactly.
Why not choose Widow-- what's-her-name?
No no, 'cause that's a love story, isn't it?
Love stories are just as boring as battle scenes.
What is-- what is so original
and exciting about the novel
is the "Tristrampedia."
Where Tristram--
No no, it's where Walter spends the entire pregnancy
Iike compiling this book of knowledge
Iike an encyclopedia,
just for his son.
The Jewish custom of circumcision
came to the Jews by way of Egypt
or possibly from the Syrians
or the Phoenicians or the Capadocians,
which suggests...
that Zola and Pythagoras and Ptolemy
were all circumcised.
If they submitted to it, why not you?
I think that's brilliant.
Yeah, I loved the dedication
that Walter shows to his son
and I identify with that.
And then you know, like,
Tristram grows up
and he's nothing like his father wanted him to be.
It just all goes wrong, like we all go wrong.
Because ultimately, the way we turn out is just all
- a matter of chance, you know? - Yeah.
I mean, like, for instance,
my mom spent her entire life dedicating herself to me.
She washed, she cooked, she cleaned, she ironed,
she worked in the evenings.
- She made her life a fucking misery. - Yeah yeah, right.
You ask yourself, "What-- what was that all about?"
- The road. - Yeah, sorry.
I mean, yeah, but you know,
You do ask yourself, "What is that all about?" You know?
That should be in the film.
You know, originally I was gonna play
Tristram and Walter.
Yeah, that's when it was gonna be a sitcom.
God, look at them! This is gonna be massive.
There's loads of them.
They've all brought their own tents.
I didn't know they had caravans in the 18th Century.
Steve? Steve?
How are you doing, man?
Knowing me, Gary Wilson, knowing you, Steve Coogan.
- It was eight years ago. - I know, but everyone loved it.
- I know they did. - We met on the set
of "Around the World" and in Cannes for "24 Hour Party People."
- Oh right. - What a night that was, eh?
Well, I can't remember it, it must have been.
Yeah, indeed. I spoke to Adrian,
your agent, yeah? I'm doing a profile on you for Sunday.
He's here, so I'll talk to him.
Yeah, great. Good guy.
- Hello! - Hello!
- How are you? - I'm good. How are you?
Nice to see you-- aw...
Nice to hear us.
You look fantastic!
- Really good. - I look dreadful.
No, you don't. You look like a mom
who's having to do everything
because her husband is away filmmaking.
She's got a nanny.
But she has a nanny, so that's good.
Yeah. I'll see you later.
- I need to go to the rushes. - Okay.
I'm going to try and get him down.
Can you give us a hand?
I'll go see Adrian for five minutes
- then I'll come back. - Okay.
See you later.
- Hello. - Hello.
- How are you? - Very well, thank you.
- You just missed Jenny. - No, I just saw her.
Do you mind if I just have five minutes to talk with Adrian?
- Do you want me to go? - Yeah.
- Everybody's there, you should go. - All right.
- It's nice to see you. - Catch you later.
- See you later. - Do you want a drink?
Yeah, can I have a vodka tonic, please?
Mm... catering must be good.
It's just it has all these running snacks.
All snacks and no running by the look of it.
- I'm sorry about Gary being here. - Yeah, I just saw him outside.
He's a very unpleasant man.
Do you remember anyone called Heather?
- Gobbler? - Gobbler.
She's a lap dancer
and by the sound of what she says
you'd got up to in your hotel bedroom on the 20th of January.
You ought to be able to remember her.
Oh fuck.
- Did you have sex with her? - No.
- Drugs? - No.
- You didn't have sex with her? - No.
No, you didn't?
No... I did.
Anything weird?
Mm...
- no. - Good.
She's trying to sell her story to Gary's rag.
That's why he's here.
I promised him a feature if we can limit the damage.
He just wants to do a big spread
on how your life has completely changed
since you've had a baby, you know, very soft and fluffy.
Well, I'm not able to do that, so...
- Well, just think about it. - It's using my son.
- I'm not gonna do it. It's not proper. - All right.
Just do it. It's done and it's over.
- It's just-- - I know.
Here are those scripts from America.
The best of the bunch is HBO--
an English aid worker who loses his memory
and falls in love with his own daughter.
I've read it. It's rubbish.
It's just... it's TV--
- At HBO they do a lot of good stuff. - Mm-hmm.
I'm too young to play someone who falls in love with his daughter.
You'd have to be a pedophile.
I mean, you gotta try to think two films ahead.
Don't I need two films for that?
Yeah well, that's what we're trying to do, isn't it?
Well, there you go. I'm gonna see Jenny
- 'cause I've gotta-- - The scripts.
Ah, the scripts. Yes yes.
I'll add those to the rest.
Okay, I'll see you at the rushes.
- See ya later. Bye. - See you guys later. Thanks.
Steve, Steve... this is David lngoldsby.
- A genuine 18th-century soldier. - 17th century.
You look good for your age.
The point is they've got hundreds of enthusiasts
and they're all willing, able and... cheap.
- Mm. - Well, we'd do it for nothing,
- to be honest with you. - Don't tell him that.
He'll have have you doing it for nothing.
It'll be great to have a photograph with you, though,
'cause I'm a huge fan.
- Fire away. - Do you want me to take that?
- Just point and shoot. - All right then.
Dave's just been in "Around the World in 80 Days."
- Any battles? - Well, not really.
It was a Jackie Chan film. Tell him--
Do you know that the best battle scene
is in "Lancelot du Lac"?
You know-- yeah, that's right, the Bresson film.
It's just there are these two knights
and they're both encased in armor,
and they just keep clobbering each other.
You know, it goes on forever.
You're just hitting and hitting.
It's actually like a metaphor for life, you know?
It's about the impossibility of actually connecting